Anxiety

It has been an unwelcomed companion of mine for many years now. At times, I've been able to rise above it and at other times, it's made me feel like I was drowning. As a child, I didn't know it had a name. All I knew was that I didn't want to go to sleepovers like my friends did and I was terrified of needles, and when I had a doctor's appointment, I would worry about it for months ahead of time. It was at its worst in early college. Moving 2,000 miles away from home to a city where I knew no one might have had something to do with that. Anxiety had quite a hold on me the summer after my freshman year. So much so that it made me anxious to leave home, even to babysit in the next town over.

Until then, I hadn't voiced this struggle to anyone but my Mom. She urged me to talk to a counselor, but I quickly dismissed the idea. Counseling was for weird people with big problems. (I'm sure you can guess where this is going...) Eventually it got so bad that I agreed to meet with our church counselor. Through meeting with her, and through Beth Moore's incredible Bible study, Breaking Free, I eventually found freedom from the stronghold anxiety had on me. But that doesn't mean that it went away forever. In fact, a teacher and mentor once warned me that I shouldn't be surprised if my anxiety reared its ugly head again, especially during times of transition.

All that to say, my old friend is back. The first month I was here, I was surprisingly calm and anxiety-free. Perhaps it was the jetlag? The shock? The honeymoon phase of life oversees? Regardless, the stress of moving, living in a different culture, adjusting to new languages and customs, and starting a new job have taken their toll, and now I feel like my throat is closing up.

In the past, when it has come back, my Mom's advice, to treat it like it's no big deal, has been immensely helpful. "Notice it, and know that you won't always feel anxious. It is just a feeling and will eventually go away." So I've treated my anxiety very nonchalantly, the way I would an ex-boyfriend. "Oh, there you are again. Don't really care." And that has helped....but I've stumbled upon something that works even better. And it's so simple I can't believe I haven't thought of this before.

I've started thanking God for my anxiety.

Now this is in no way as noble as Corey TenBoom thanking God for fleas in the concentration camp, but it's a start. Perhaps it's more reminiscent of Paul delighting in his weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:10)Without the anxiety, I wouldn't feel nearly as dependent on Him as I am. I wouldn't have to rely on praying and singing hymns to stop my throat from feeling like it was closing up. When I'm thanking Him for my anxiety, I'm not frantically trying to stop the anxious feelings. Instead, I'm actually focused on Him. "Refuse to worry, because this form of worldliness will weigh you down and block awareness of My Presence." (Jesus Calling, September 19). I am aware of His presence with me because of my anxiety. What a gift!

It makes me wonder what else I should be thanking Him for...